Dealing with death

Over the last 10 years I have dealt with death way to many times, with the loss of my brother, parents, father in law, brother in law and close friends. During many of these times I ran to scriptures and prayer to get me through. During one of these events I came across a book called CHAD. I believe the publisher was Focus on the Family, I have tried to do an online search for the book but had no luck. The following thoughts are things that I wrote in my journal after my brothers death and nuggets from the book. I hope you find some help and solace in them.


"IT'S IS NOT EASY TO COMMUNICATE THESE EXPERIENCES
The pain of losing a brother is worse than anything I have ever imagined in this lifetime!

I would like for you to understand that these things are hard to verbalize. You don’t just sit down and write these impressions. You feel thoughts like these. You cry thoughts like these. You write and rewrite thoughts like these.

Many times I have encouraged friends to journal these thoughts, talk about these thoughts. In the past week I have had a friend from high school who's mom passed and I was able to encourage the writing of memories of mom on Facebook.  

At some point, you will be ready to share your most intimate experiences with those you love. As I’ve read books, I’ve realized nobody has cornered the market on feelings.




FOCUS..NO LONGER A BLUR OF ACTIVITY
I have spent the past 15 years of my life with clutter: ministry, programs, budgets, non-profit commitments, time, more time, and more commitments. My brother’s death and then my parents cleared up all the clutter and brought the important things in life into focus for me.
Relationships are all that matter! I wish I would have had more time with my brother, dad, mom, and friends. But, I was too busy!


TIME WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS IS GOOD MEDICINE
I remember how I spent a lot of time that week with my aunt’s and uncles and cousins brother’s wife, sons! It picked up my spirits tremendously. They grieved with me. They were close enough to me to let me express my feelings. Also, it was a time of getting on with happier things in life early on in the process.

Solomon saw this same principle as he wrote Proverbs 17:17:
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

People touched me with their actions more than if they said something. 

It touched me if they came up and just cried with me. Trust me, I've been to a lot of funerals and people always ask, "What do I say?" Honestly the person who has lost someone that is dear to them probably won't remember what you say. They may not even remember that you were there. As I think back... the people I really remember are the ones who checked in after it was all over. So what do you say? Simply... "I'm sorry for your loss", he/she will be missed.

The Bible tells the story of Job. He lost everything he thought was important in life.  When his friends came to comfort him, they just sat with him. For seven days not a word was spoken. They didn’t mention his name. There’s a lot of wisdom in that. During a friend’s grief is not a time for philosophy – it’s just a time to feel the hurt with your friend. There is a time to philosophize, but it is not when a person is grieving. Philosophizing and grief don’t mix. Early in the grief process one is so full of grief that it is definitely not the time to philosophize. The grieving person actually finds it offensive.


SAY WHAT YOU FEEL WHILE YOU CAN
Being in the hospital was as traumatic and intense an experience as can be imagined. My brother struggled for every breath. There were only supposed to be two people in the room at a time.  But as the hospital staff realized that we were losing him, they let the whole family come in the room. Somebody was holding and rubbing his hands the whole time, and rubbing his arms. Everybody got to tell him how much we cared about him, how much we loved him, did we agree with the way he chose to end his life... NO! But... he was our brother. Selfishly, I'm not sure if I did it more for myself in an attempt to get through it.

Looking back, this was a time of real healing. I don’t know if Mike heard any of it.  A lot of people don’t get that kind of time. When somebody dies; there are all these “left unsaid” kinds of things. I think that was healing for everyone in the family – even though there was a lot of crying. Say what you feel while you can. I had nothing left unsaid to Mike. Which is a lesson in itself… we never know when death will happen so say things to people when they are alive because you may never be able too.

TAKE THE PEBBLES OUT OF YOUR BACKPACK-A FEW AT A TIME
This has become one of my go to analogies from the book... I hope you will find it helpful.

When someone very close to you dies, it is like someone handing you a backpack full of “grief pebbles.” Each aspect of grief is like a pebble, we must carry that pack the rest of our lives. There are pebbles in some of the pockets we will never be able to get rid of. To this day I carry some of those darn, annoying pebbles!

However, if we open the main compartment and look directly at the pebbles, expressing our feelings of grief to friends or through writing, we may then unload our grief a pebble at a time or a handful at a time. This post is still part of my grieving process. This post is helping remove some of the pebbles from my backpack from all the deaths I have faced because as I write I'm confronted with them. It makes me realize how frail life really is.

Of course, the earlier in our journey we do this, the more upright we will be able to walk. If we deny the pebbles are in the backpack, we will surely begin to stoop over as we age. We will be quite unable to help other people unload their backpacks. And we will surely not be able to carry additional packs if they are handed to us.

I took time off and grieved hard during my closest losses. I had to, for it seemed I was on the bottom of a mountainside, you can't go around it, you can't go over it, the only way is through the mountain. I know that may sound impossible... but it's not for those of us who have been there.


RUN TO THE SCRIPTURES FOR COMFORT
My grief drove me to Scripture and there I found a lot of relief. I could feel God in a way I had never felt Him before. He was far more real to me. It was not just an emotional experience. 

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Time Heals
Time dulls intense pain.
Time reduces intense pain.
Time heals intense pain.

Time helped heal that pain and time will heal your current pain as well.

My pain has begun to fade. Yes... those pebbles still bother me... I can't walk by a tennis court without thinking about my brother, I can't talk about the weather or gas prices without remembering dad, and the funny thing is that there are just random things that remind me of my mom. Mostly they are embedded in the personalities of my brothers, sons, daughter and nephews. Yet... the pain has faded!

This is a gift from God. I have a future without intense pain.

That’s Christ’s promise in Matthew 5:4:
Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted.


MAY YOU FIND COMFORT AS WELL!

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